Home for the Holidays: How to keep a discussion about politics or social issues from spiraling into an argument.

It is that time of year when family and friends gather to celebrate and spread some holiday cheer. But coming on the heels of what has been an exceptionally long and contentious general election, tensions around the holiday dinner table may be higher than usual with many people continuing to hold strong opinions on politics. And having a bit too much eggnog can certainly heighten those tensions and loosen inhibitions. Feelings are still raw, and if left unchecked, a conversation about politics can quickly devolve into an “us versus them” exchange that could spoil even the most festive of holiday get-togethers. For some individuals, the very thought of seeing family members who are “set in their ways” when it comes to politics or social issues is enough to keep them away from family gatherings altogether for fear that holiday cheer could turn into holiday angst. Faculty from the Counseling Program within the School of Education at George Mason University recently offered their perspective on how best to navigate conversations on political differences and other sensitive topics when socializing with friends and family—not only during the holidays, but any time of the year. Joining in this discussion was Assistant Professor Stephanie Dailey, Associate Professor Victoria Stone, and Professor Sam Steen.

Finding Common Ground and Keeping an Open Mind

When you are having a difficult conversation with a family member or friend, try to find common ground on the topic being discussed. This requires keeping an open mind and having the willingness to meet the other person where they are. This does not mean that you are compromising or abandoning your own beliefs, but rather you are seeking a better understanding of the other person’s perspective. But in doing so, it is important to establish and maintain boundaries. If the divisive nature of the subject makes it impossible to find a middle ground, the best thing to do is “agree to disagree” and steer the conversation to another topic that might be more conducive to a friendly discussion where both of you are comfortable. An effective way to do this is to explain to the other person that you care about them and wish to engage in another topic that will allow both of you to enjoy your time together.

Plan an exit strategy.

If you will be attending a holiday celebration that includes a family member with whom you may disagree with, it might be advisable to plan an escape plan beforehand. This involves making it clear upon your arrival that your schedule will only allow you to stay for a limited time. This tactic provides you with the opportunity to politely leave the gathering should the conversation become argumentative or unpleasant.

Words can be hurtful, so be respectful.

Always be mindful of regulating your emotions at holiday gatherings with family and friends. Conversations about controversial topics can quickly deteriorate into shouting matches and inappropriate displays of anger. Words expressed in the heat of the moment can be hurtful and damage long-term relationships with people who in the past have supported and cared for you. In some cases, the damage may be irreparable. The damage can also adversely impact children who may be present at holiday celebrations. Adults should model for their children the importance of staying calm, fair, and level-headed and communicating appropriately even when the other person is trying to make the conversation adversarial. If a conversation is escalating into one that you may later regret, be respectful in the words you choose because the anger you are feeling in that instant will subside once cooler heads prevail.

Live your values not through words, but through action.

Mental health experts advise that when you engage with a family member or friend over the holidays or any other time of year, it is important to stay true to your values, especially on matters that you are passionate about. At the same time, recognize that your deep-rooted beliefs may differ significantly from the people with whom you have a close relationship. You may not be able to change their way of thinking through words alone. Instead, what you can do is demonstrate your values through actions year-round which can be oriented to making a positive difference in the community where you live. In this way, you can be intentional and purposeful in telling your truth and living your values. Remember that advocacy comes through action.

Self-care and making human connections

Sometimes tensions during a family get-together may flare because people are experiencing the stress of juggling the responsibilities of their everyday lives with the additional demands of the holiday season. The holidays are a busy time of year where individuals set unrealistic expectations for themselves as they try to replicate the “perfect” holiday celebration—a romanticized idea created by advertising and the media. This can lead to a lot of self-imposed stress. If this is happening to you, mental health experts recommend that you should practice self-care. Take a beat and give yourself the time and space needed to be your best self so you can be present for your family and friends.

Strong connections with other people are essential in navigating through both good times and challenging times throughout the year. Research shows that loneliness and a lack of human connectedness are major factors that drive anxiety and depression. If the relationship you have with your family does not provide opportunities for supportive connections, mental health practitioners say that a surrogate family or “found family” can offer the connections needed to be happy and to thrive. Connections can also be made by joining groups where you will find people united by shared interests. These can be emotional support groups, book clubs, hobby groups, or similar settings that provide the chance to make a human connection.

Finally, if you are feeling stressed, angered, or frustrated, consider taking a break from social media. The world can sometimes feel like it is imploding, and this can be amplified when you scroll through social media apps. So, put the phone down (at least for a while), clear your mind, and enjoy the sights and sounds of the season, no matter what time of year it is.

To learn more about the Counseling Program within the School of Education at George Mason University, please visit the program website.