How to Talk to Your Child About Traumatic Events

It seems like every day news of another act of violence or a disaster floods the news making it difficult, if not impossible, for parents to isolate their children from hearing about these events. This constant flow of negative news can have a damaging effect on the emotional wellbeing of a child making them feel anxious, fearful, or depressed. These responses can be much worse for a child who is living through a traumatic incident first-hand. Parents will want to talk to their child to help them cope with what they are experiencing, but they may not know how. Faculty from the Counseling program within the School of Education at George Mason University offered their perspective on how parents can best approach their children when talking about tragic events, like school shootings. Joining in this discussion was Academic Program Co-Coordinator Joanne Frederick, Associate Professor Victoria Stone, Professor Sammy Steen, and Assistant Professor Stephanie Dailey.

Before discussing a traumatic event, a parent should plan the conversation in advance and maintain a calm demeanor before engaging with their child. Children are perceptive and can sense when a parent is in emotional distress even if the outward signs are not visible. This can heighten anxiety or fear in the child.

Another important tip is to pick the right time to initiate a discussion with your child that is conducive to a one-on-one conversation, such as a car ride. Adults should also understand that it may be the child who picks the time based on when they are ready to talk, and a parent needs to be flexible in accommodating that timeline.

Some mental health professionals say that the key to having a difficult but meaningful conversation with a child about a traumatic event is to be honest, optimistic, purposeful, explicit, forgiving, unapologetic, and loving—a framework for which the word ‘hopeful’ is a perfect acronym. A closer look at the key elements of this framework sheds light on how each of its components can help a parent interact with their child:

• Honesty requires that a parent be direct and authentic in explaining the circumstances surrounding the event;
• Parents should convey optimism by reassuring their child that they will get through the challenging situation;
• A parent needs to be purposeful and intentional in addressing the event instead of avoiding any mention of it;
• Being explicit requires that the parent be clear in the details related to a traumatic event;
• It's important to be forgiving and remember that we don't always have all of the answers, and that's okay;
• Even if a child is hesitant to respond, a parent needs to be unapologetic about asking questions intended to address any misinformation or misguided notion their child may have about what happened; and,
• The love and support demonstrated by a parent conveys to the child that they are safe and that their feelings are understood.

It is also important that the tone and substance of the conversation be developmentally appropriate for the child’s age. Young children will be better able to understand a traumatic event if they are given simple, clear explanations. When engaging with a young child, encouraging them to express their feelings by having them draw a picture or sing a song can be an effective way for a parent to help them manage a traumatic experience.

As a child gets older and approaches adolescence or their teens, their attention span increases, and they develop a greater capacity for abstract thought along with more awareness of the world around them. They may also become more absolute in their belief that terrible things, such as school shootings, “always happen.” In these situations, parents should validate the feelings of their child and acknowledge the sadness of the tragic event. But parents should also take the opportunity to remind their child that horrific events of the magnitude of a school shooting are rare and that the community in which the child lives is safe.

A factsheet from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration of the U.S. Health and Human Services Department offers several suggestions for parents when talking to their child about a traumatic event.

For more information on the Counseling program within the School of Education at George Mason University, please visit the program website.